THE SECRET ESTATE AGENT

Give the God a bone

2010-09-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Having spent most of yesterday demonstrating my aggressive atheism in the form of pathetic tweet jibes, aimed at the Pope and his band of jolly kiddyfiddlers, I was surprised to see that God does indeed work in mysterious ways. An hour of my day had been spent talking to some complete cock jockey at Barclays, so it was with great surprise to see that God had answered my (atheist) prayers in asking that Barclays be struck by a massive dollop of piss (or something equivalent). Oh ye of little faith. FYI - Boris, this had nothing to do with me, annoyingly.

GENERAL ERECTION FEVER!! IT'S WIRETAP 6!

2010-05-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

Countdown to the General Erection - Cameron joins 'Le Teets' bandwagon

2010-05-05T05:23:00.000-07:00

So, it's now less than 48 hrs before we find out who is to be our next illustrious leader (read bullshit mongerer). I know for a fact that young Timothy will be voting Conservative. I know this because the last time I was stalking him and trying to take a piss in his front garden, I noticed that he had one of those nauseating 'Vote Conservative' banners erected. I thought only people over 45 did that kind of thing? Fairly sure it is Daddy's influence though. Then again, with the kind of millions he's due to inherit, it makes sense for him to vote for one of his old school buddies who can watch his back.

Anyway, the flights are booked, fake passports to the ready, comedy fake Fu Manchu moustache acquired. Mexico here we come! Yup, I'm biting the bullet and releasing the next film imminently. Whilst jail in the UK didn't seem such a bad option (now that Boy George has been released), the kind offer from Phil Collins, Julie Walters and the Four Tops at their ranch in Acapulco was just too hard to resist (name the film?!).

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I love spicy food anyway.

Pasta Revista Baby

"My mate Janet Street Porter is really cute"

2010-04-22T02:20:00.001-07:00

If a female friend tells you that one of her mates is "really cute", it does not mean, in any way, that she is attractive to the male species. I don't like Janet Street Porter, Miss Piggy or Darius Danesh at the best of times, but when they're amalgamated into one human being, it's time for me to make my apologies and leave. However, I didn't do that last night. No. I decided that booze was the best way forward, so downed a bottle of wine, and then decided that her enormous teeth, hairy top lip, and suprisingly awful chat were not up to my standards, before stumbling out the bar and into a cab. Annoyingly, I slightly walked into the door on my exit which slightly ruined my dramatic exit.

So life is really good at present. No job, no Tim baiting, no bird, no cash. Thanks for those with the kind words of encouragement regarding Tim. Rumour has it that he has started seeing another estate agent in his office who has just joined. Be a shame for her to find out what he gets up to in his spare time.......I'm still hopeful about releasing a couple more phone conversations that I have on my computer. Jail isn't looking such a bad option at the moment anyway. Least I might get some action.

Bonjour

Lemon Chicken anyone?

2010-03-30T02:06:00.000-07:00

Had a very eventful night. First of all, I dreamt that the chinese restaurant that my family used to go to when I was a child, had named a dish in my honour. Number 17 I think. Lemon chicken. A childhood favourite of mine. Then, my ex girlfriend had received a package from John Terry's wife, saying to her that "John wanted you to have this". Obviously I thought this was a little suspicious, and on grilling her, she confessed to having a fling with him when we were going out. Gutting. There can't be many things more harmful to your self esteem than a woman finding John Terry more appealing than yourself. The fact that she said his wealth was a major factor really got me blubbing. Eventually my sleep tears woke me up.

Onto news from the real world, and there may be a breakthrough in 'Tim Gate'. My solicitor mate is 90% confident that we're good to go on the last few films and is just checking out one final detail to make sure we are bullet proof. I'll keep you posted. He's doing me a massive favour looking into this when he gets a spare moment, although I think his boss knows about it and is quite enjoying the drama.

However, sadly for Tim, this does mean that once I get the go ahead, I will be poppping down to Boots to pick up a Jumbo sized bottle of lubricant and a ton of Vinyl gloves. So, Timbo, it's time to dust of those knee pads and adopt the brace position. Mwahahahaha

Morning Darling

2010-03-24T07:04:00.000-07:00

Lawyers are just no fun

2010-03-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

So, Tim has now taken some 'official' legal action against me, therefore I'm holding off for the time being from showing everyone the remaining films. I haven’t got a clue about all this legal stuff, but to play it safe, I’m having a friend look at the situation. Who would have thought that wiretapping someone’s phone could be so contentious? Some people are just too precious.

Anyway, I’ve also had many people asking for more regular updates, so I’ve made a vow to keep you all in the loop as to what the situation is with Tim and whether or not he has finally got the heavies on to me (seriously though, who threatens someone by saying their Dad is going to send the heavies round. What a cockrod). Maybe I'll just tell everyone who he is and leg it to the Costa Del Sol, Buster styleee.

And for you Tim, (as I know full well you’re reading all this), you really are one of the most gloriously pathetic losers on this planet, and without you, my life would be so so much more boring. Please never change. The world needs bellends like you. Occasionally.

Wiretap #5 - COCK RAPIST!!

2010-03-08T02:24:00.000-08:00

Wiretap #4 - Not just a liar - Also a cheat !!!

2010-03-01T03:06:00.001-08:00

More Toss Talk For A Thursday From Tim...

2010-02-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

In this recording, Tim manages to spout shit in a single sentence that seems to infer that he is both a magician and a footballer. The King Of Bullshit.

Wiretap #3 - Tim harasses a potential buyer.

2010-02-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

Introducing Tim's Thursday Toss Talk

2010-02-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

Tim's Thursday Toss Talk is your midweek fix of Estate Agent Tim talking toss.

These short audio clips will be released every Thursday.

The first of these is "Moribund" and was taken from a conversation in April 2009.

Enjoy. S.E.A. x

He's threatening me again...

2010-02-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Wiretap #2 - The seller busts Tim's balls.

2010-02-14T15:16:00.000-08:00

Badge of Honour

2010-02-10T07:18:00.000-08:00

Am thinking of getting some badges designed. Wear yours with pride. While stocks last.

Legal advice? I think his Dad's actually a carpet fitter

2010-02-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

Wiretap #1 - Dealing with a seller

2009-11-13T04:10:00.002-08:00

Part 1

Part 2